Guest Blogger Dorothy Ann Skarles is back with a warning. “Marry in haste and repent at leisure.”
The Pitfalls in Starting A New Life
All in all, a widows’ bereavement group is a safe place to connect intuitively to the experiences shared with others who have “been there and done that.”
During a monthly support group luncheon, the conversation negotiated its way toward intense loneliness and the perils of jumping into another marriage.
“Well, I don’t like being by myself,” said one new widow addressing the group. “My husband and I talked all the time, and now I’m lonely. My house is empty.” She paused, shook her head. “I don’t know how you gals stand it! I’m only fifty-six and really miss the good sex.”
“Well, it’s better to be fifty-six and lonely, then fifty-six, married and miserable,” snapped another woman.
“I know where you’re coming from,” said the woman sitting across from her with a knowing smirk on her face. “Since my husband passed away, I find I don’t mind being alone. At least his girlfriend has stopped calling.”
“Loneliness can really get you into trouble, all right,” said another. “I was married forty years and feeling so lonely, I jumped into a marriage ten months after my husband died. Then the frigin’ B divorced me within a year, and married someone else. Now I’m back where I started.”
“That’s not the only thing that can get you into trouble,” added still another woman. “I made two stupid mistakes—selling my house, and getting remarried. Now I’m on a tight leash until I figure a way out. My second husband used my money in a house he bought for us, but he didn’t add my name on the deed.” She looked at the faces around her and added. “I can tell you, alone or not, getting married again isn’t necessarily the best way to deal with widowhood.”
“That may be,” said a woman still plagued with mourning tears in her eyes, “but sometimes it’s hard to know what to do. I’ve been remarried now for eight years, and have to hide the fact that I still grieve for my first husband.”
As the luncheon ended in subdued surroundings, I heard one woman whisper to the woman seated next to her. “I guess it’s marry in haste and repent at leisure.”
And as for me, two things stood out from all the luncheon conversation—I’d better pay attention, and think before I make any major changes in my life. In other words, not do anything in “haste and repent at leisure” while starting my new life.
And since I was in an all women’s group, without any men commenting, I would imagine that widowers should also be careful in their new life.
Dorothy Ann Skarles.
Thanks Dorothy!
It is said, you should wait a year after losing a loved one, before making any major decisions. The reason, you'll most likely be making an emotional decision, not a intellectual one.
A close friend of mine lost her husband five years ago. She never remarried, nor does she date. And at first she said the loneliness was a killer. But she fought through it, and feels stronger and better then ever. What she did is turn back to her art, and start painting again. She claims it saved her from doing anything stupid, because it became her main focus, and she didn't anyone taking it away from her.
Dorothy's article should go out to all the young single people looking for love. Until the right person comes along, there’s lots of ways to fill one’s life. Sometimes, marriage isn’t the best way to deal with loneliness.
I agree with Lee and Dianne. Marriage should not be rushed in to. It's to easy to say "I do," but very difficult to "Undo."
Hi Dorothy,
I think you may have opened another topic here. After reading your posting today on doing things (like marriage) in haste and repenting in leisure after being widowed, I was going to touch on the 'intense lonliness' section.
From personal experience, I know that 'intense lonliness' can also be a part of many marriages, but it looks like a couple of others beat me to the punch.
I think this could be a topic you could explore further – with married people. Very intresting. bernadine
Hi La, I think your friend was really strong to think of her art instead of a man. I do understand being lonely, It is very hard to be the only one living in a house by yourself. Especially, if you have been married a long time. You always think your loved one will be coming in. It is why I am now trying to write again.
Hi Dianne, thanks for writing. Having friends call you up and ask me to go to lunch, or just meet them to talk really helps me from being lonely. I am happy that God has given me those friends.
Bernadine, maybe the women who do marry really don't like being alone so they just go with the guy who asked them first. I had a friend like that—a friend of her husbands that she married. I think she thought this guy would be like her husband, but found out, he wasn't.
Good write Dorothy, I do think trying to stay involved in ones passion helps the loneliness. doesn't cure it by any means, only helps it. I have experienced many types of loneliness through my lifetime, and being a widow is like nothing I have ever experienced before. You are right Dorothy good friends do help.
Hi Judy, I am happy you enjoyed the story. I feel so grateful for my friends that they let me call them just to talk—they will let me talk, talk, and talk until I am feeling better.
How's that saying go–better the devil you know than the one you don't? My husband's an angel. I will sorely miss him when that day arrives. I better go first.
Oh my worddreams, I got married fast. Went on about 5 dates, and got married in 10 days (there is a little more to that story) but the round up is in the nut-shell) My hubby was a great and loving guy for forty years. I liked your saying on the devil. I feel so lucky that I knew my feelings for my man were right. So give your hubby a hug