Margaret Duarte

Visionary Fiction

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Shapes of Fiction /The Iceberg / Silver Flats

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For an assignment in my Structure and Style class through UC Davis Extension, we were asked to write a scene, using two shapes of fiction as outlined in Making Shapely Fiction by Jerome Stern: Iceberg and Visitation.

Stern’s Iceberg shape of fiction shows how to handle thoughts, dialogue, and action in writing.  In this shape, the characters’ real feelings are not fully expressed.  What the characters don’t say can be the most important.I compare this shape to Subtext (what characters don’t tell us). Stern’s Visitation is the shape in fiction that starts with an unexpected visitor.  It is the shape of intrusion, a journey that comes to you.

Here is the scene I wrote in response to this assignment.

Silver Flats

She came to our front door asking for shoes.
 
“Do you have a pair of flats I can borrow?” she said.  “They won’t let me into the jail in high heels.”
 
My husband, Paul, ran his fingers through his thin graying hair and smiled, as though trying to decide if this was a joke or for real.  Either way, it seemed to brighten his day.  “My wife has tons of shoes,” he said, without taking his eyes off the dewy-faced woman.  “Don’t you, Vicki?”
 
I didn’t answer, just stared, mentally scanning my closet for a pair of shoes I’d be willing to part with.  She was wearing a white charmeuse blouse, with black and silver stripes, black slacks, and sling-back shoes.  Something didn’t compute.  Chic, young woman?  Jail?  And what brought her to our house in particular?  The Correctional Center was two miles away, with at least seven houses between.  Was it the whimsical applique flag hanging from the pole out front–a turkey holding  a banner:  Be Thankful–or maybe the pink and white begonias and red Hibiscus blooming their little hearts out along the front walk?
 
“Visiting hours are over at one,” she said, appealing to Paul with her doe-brown eyes, even though they were my shoes she was after.  “So it’s too late to go back to the store.  And I need to visit someone really badly.”
 
She was petite and her feet looked small.
 
“I wear a size nine,” I said, figuring that would be the end of it.  No self-respecting woman would be caught dead in a pair of shoes at least two sizes too large.
 
She flung a strand of silky black hair over her shoulder.  “That’s okay.  I have to pass three checkpoints at the jail.  They’ve already made me take off my bra because of the under wires and my belt because it was metal, and…well, you know…”
 
“You’d think they’d lend you a pair of socks or something,” Paul said.
 
If they made me take off my bra, I’d be in a heap of trouble, I thought, noticing the way her Juicy Couture bag hung over her breasts like a sling.
 
There were no other passengers in her car, which meant we weren’t likely to be robbed, so I left Paul in charge while I rushed to the bedroom for the silver ballet flats I’d purchased for the holidays.  They were cute as hell, but too tight and scratchy for my clodhopper feet, so I’d retired them to the back of the closet unused.
 
“Hope these will do,” I said on my return, holding them up for her inspection.  Their metallic surface shimmered in the late morning sun, and I realized with a note of pride that they complimented her outfit quite well.  “And you don’t have to return them,” I added, suddenly glad they were new, their telltale soles still smooth and unscathed.
 
She awarded Paul a quick smile and then hurried back to her car.
 
“Glad to help,” I said to her back.  Child woman.  Sleek.  Gutsy.
 
“Don’t forget to keep them in your trunk for next time,” Paul called out before she slammed the car door.
 
Next time?
 
We watched her back out of the driveway.
 
“Wonder who she’s visiting,” Paul said.  “Probably some loser on drugs.”
 
A first time offender was my guess, an older brother maybe, or a friend who’d gone astray.
 
“The pretty ones always go for the losers,” he said.
 
I glanced at the man I’d been married to for thirty-five years to see if he was kidding, but the frown on his face meant he was serious.
 
Hey, I wanted to say.  I was pretty once, and I didn’t go for a loser.  But I didn’t want Paul to look at me the way he was now looking at the empty driveway.
 
“Bet it’s some Hispanic gang member incarcerated for drugs and assault.”  The way Paul cranked out the words you’d thin he’d been personally slighted.
 
“She was Asian,” I said.
 
“Her plates said New Mexico.”
 
I pictured her prancing in and out of the jail in her fanciful silver flats, past all three checkpoints, head held high, and then wearing the shoes again, but for the holidays this time, or a nice evening out.  “Ready for lunch?”
 
Paul didn’t answer, just shut and locked the door.
 
I headed for the kitchen to set up the counter where we eat most of our meals now that the kids were grown.
 
Paul sat on his stool, picked up the remote, and turned on the big screen TV embedded in the kitchen wall.  CNN.  Wolf Blitzer.  National news.
 
And then all thought of the young girl receded into the back of my mind–too tight, too scratchy–much like my silver flats.
 
 

Stern’s Visitation shape (Intrusion; Unexpected Visitor) is easy enough to figure out in this scene.

But did you catch any feelings that the characters did not fully express (Iceberg)?

Put yourself in a psychiatrist’s vantage point for a moment and try to figure out what Paul was feeling or thinking, but not saying aloud.  Did you notice any particular gestures and facial expressions that give a clue to what he might be thinking?  Maybe he said something that really meant something else.  Excessive detailing by the writer is often the signpost to subtext or what Stern calls the Iceberg form (what lies below the surface).

What about Vicki?  Is there any staging or micro-detailing on my part as a writer that gives you a glimpse of Vicki’s inner life, what is in her heart?  Is she struggling with something?As the creator of this scene, I could give you a list of hidden feelings and thoughts for each one of my characters, but that would ruin all the fun.  It’s my job to encourage you to do the thinking, to honor your ability to figure it out for yourself.  And hey, you might even come up with some feelings and thoughts I didn’t think of.

If you’d like to learn more about subtext, I recommend a book by Charles Baxter titled The Art of Subtext, Beyond Plot.

As it says in the introduction:

“This brief book examines those elements that propel readers beyond the plot of a novel or short story into the realm of what haunts the imagination: the implied, the half-visible, and the unspoken.”

Some writers use subtext unconsciously and some, like me, have to work at incorporating it into their work.

As a reader, it’s just nice to be aware that subtext exists in good fiction, though if it’s done right, you hardly notice it’s there.

Happy reading.  Happy writing.

 

About Margaret Duarte

Former middle school teacher, Margaret Duarte, lives on a California dairy farm with a herd of “happy cows,” a constant reminder that the greenest pastures lie closest to home. Margaret earned her creative writing certificate through UC Davis Extension and has since published four novels in her “Enter the Between” visionary fiction series: Between Will and Surrender, Between Darkness and Dawn, Between Yesterday and Tomorrow, and Between Now and Forever. Her poem and story credits include SPC Tule Review; The California Writers Club Literary Review; finalist in the 2017 SLO Nightwriters Golden Quill Writing Contest; First Place winner for fiction in 2016, Second Place winner for fiction in 2018, Honorable Mention for fiction in 2019, and Gold winner for fiction in 2020 NORTHERN CALIFORNIA PUBLISHERS AND AUTHORS Book Awards Competition; 2019 California Author Project winner for adult fiction.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Cathy Kennedy says

    I liked this piece, very well done! Your talent amazes me and I love the things you convy to your reader(or writer). The assignments you're tackling no doubt fuel your imagination for your novels, playing out each scene to its fullest. One day soon, it's going to be a real joy to wrap my fingers around your book, as I settle myself in for a good read. Keep up the good work!

  2. Margaret Duarte says

    Thanks so much, Cathy. I, too, hope my novels get into readers hands in the near future. But that takes more than talent, I'm afraid. Soon, I plan to start blogging about my submissions and rejections (I just received my first really nice rejection letter last month). Now that I've finally figured out how to set up and "feed" a blog, I need to concentrate on sending my work out. That road will be easier with awesome people like you cheering me on.

  3. Dorothy Ann Skarles says

    Margaret, liked your story about the shoes. Lately, I tried a pair on that I had never wore, and debated, "Should I or shouldn't I give them away." They were a bit tight.

  5. Gamma-GT says

    Wonderful piece. Don't know how I came across this.
    There are many underlying feelings here. Both Paul and Vicki. Age is a factor, and a long marriage. He, somewhere in his 50's, I would guess, being addressed by this attractive, young woman. For some reason she keeps addressing Paul all the time. Most likely because she senses that he's friendlier — between women there's always the 'competition thing'.
    We'll never know why she picked their house. Life goes back to normal? watching Wolf on CNN. Probably a marriage with several unspoken conflicts … shaky.

  6. Margaret Duarte says

    Hi Gamma-GT. I'm impressed that you're thinking about the scene's undercurrents (subtext/iceberg). That's what I as a writer am encouraging the reader to do, not only to enjoy the plot (at least hopefully), but also think about what's beyond the plot–look deeper. You've hit on some of the issues here: why the young woman addresses only Paul, and how this makes Vicki and Paul feel, why the woman picked their house instead of the many others closer to the jail (does it look safe, do the turkey flag and flowers say anthing about the owners?), and what they watch on TV, (does having a big screen set into the wall of the kitchen say anything about this couple? Thanks for stopping by and leaving your comment. If nothing else, you got a hint of some of the things that go on in my mind when I write a fictional scene.

  7. kimmie says

    I'm just beginning as a new writer and your blog really inspires and motivates me! I hope to get to the level of writing you are at.

  8. Margaret Duarte says

    Hi Kimmie. Welcome to the fold. Most of the time, I love writing. Sometimes I hate it. But I'm glad that I made the decision 11 years ago to take the craft seriously and learn and practice all I could. I'm thrilled that my blog inspired you–as you will someday inspire others as you develop your skill. I still have a long way to go, but have learned a lot from other writers who've walked the path before me.

  9. Elizabeth Varadan aka Mrs. Seraphina says

    Great post, and great piece of fiction. I hope it's part of a larger story. Thanks, too, for the references to good books on writing.

  11. Margaret Duarte says

    Hi Elizabeth. This was just a result of a class assignment, but it could lead to a larger story, given some effort and time. I've heard often enough how authors say their novel began with a short story. I do like both of the references I mention above. Subtext is so important to a story, which took me years to discover.

  13. Doug Stephens says

    Why do women care about shoe sizes so much? It seems weird. I've never looked at a woman and thought, "Wow. She is totally hot – except for those enormous feet."

  14. Margaret Duarte says

    Hi Doug. I'm sure many women out there would love to read your comment. For one thing, to a woman anyway, it seems all those cute shoes look so much better in a small size. Then again, many of those gorgeous models out there have large feet. Go figure.